Monday, January 22, 2007

The L Word

Dear Creators of the L word:

First and foremost I would like to thank you for creating the L word. For a couple of months out of the year, it’s nice to see a bunch of hotties parade around West Hollywood aka Vancouver, getting themselves into all kinds of girl trouble. Also, good to see that you’ve kept airing it on Sundays. After a long day of questioning my faith and watching the New York Giants lose, it’s nice to watch your show at an awkward lesbo bar and get fucking wasted. It’s been brought to my attention that a lot of lesbians complain that the women cast on the show are too glamorous, and not a true representation of the community. My reaction to that is Thank God. Leave the flannel and helmets at home and bring on the eye candy, unwrapped. (cat noise)

I also have enjoyed some of the issues that you have addressed over the past couple of seasons. Your stories about breast cancer, gay marriage, gay adoption, abortion, rape, cutting, incest, suicide, bi-sexuality, coming out, interracial relationships, the religious right, transgender, vampires, transsexuals and S & M, just to name a few, have been light and engaging. Mixing that up with topics such as butt waxing, voyeurism, stalking and how to make a great latte at the planet has been quite a one-two punch. Philosophically, you also keep us on our toes, posing such questions as “What is art?” and, “If you’re a woman transitioning to a man, hopped up on steroids, and you’re going on dates with the boss’ daughter, when is it a good time to tell her?”

It’s nice to see that the L word is standing by their commitment to diversity. This season, they’ve added a Latino character to the show. Her name is Papi and she is a total whore. She will be competing with Shane, the show’s current slut, to see how many chicks they can bang this season. This is the plot line I’m most exciting about. True, child rearing and trannies are all the buzz, but a good ole fashion bang fest is just what L word needs right now.

So I say, easy on the sexual assault and child kidnapping plot lines and let’s get back to basics. More making out and boob shots. And how about a story line that includes, I don’t know, dating? It can be as simple as this:

Cut to: The Planet coffee shop late afternoon. *This works best if you act it out, with a thick, cheesy Spanglish accent.
I’ll be playing the new Latino character Papi as well as some random walk-on lesbo, let’s call her Erin.

Papi: Hey I haven’t seen you at the Planet before.

Erin: Yeah, my internet stopped working at my apartment so I’ve been coming here to work.

Papi: The wireless connection is very strong here.

Erin: That’s good to know. Have you ever tried the scones?

Papi: Delicious. Especially the blueberry. Very moist.

Erin: I hate the word moist. It’s like nails on a chalkboard. Also the word ramekin bothers me. Probably b/c I used to cater.

Papi: You talk a lot.

Erin: I’m nervous.

Papi: Do you want to make out?

Erin: TOTALLY!

Crazy make-out ensues.

And SCENE!

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