Wednesday, September 29, 2010

DIS-A-VOWS

DIS-A-VOWS

Marie Suzanne Stewart and Jeffrey Michael Stewart were divorced Saturday afternoon at the Ronkonkoma Town Hall in Ronkonkoma, Long Island. Mr. Anthony Keegan, county clerk, filed the paperwork.

The divorcee, 33, is a school teacher at Little Hands Elementary School in Patchogue, Long Island. She teaches penmanship and her students have a ninety percent graduation rate. She received a Masters in Education from Stonybrook University.

She is the daughter of Sharon S. Lapinksy and Ronald “Bud” Lapinsky of West Islip, Long Island. The divorcee’s mother worked as a paralegal for 38 years in the family owned law firm, Clarke, Clarke, Clarke and Clarke. Her father is the proprieter of Bud’s Suds, a beer distribution center in downtown West Islip.

The recent bachelor, 34, is currently employed
as a sales representative for Kraft Foods. His route extends from Greenlawn to Rocky Point, distributing products such as Ready to Eat Cheesecake Filling and 100 Calorie Packs of Chips Ahoy, Oreo and Nutter Butter Chewy Granola Bars. He graduated with a Bachelor’s Degree in History at Quinnipiac College.

He is a son of Claire Stewart and Richard Stewart of
Yaphank, Long Island. Claire is romance writer under the pseudonym N. Amore and his father works in the Time Warner Cable’s Yaphank sales office.

The couple met during their sophomore year at Ronkonkoma High School. Marie was captain of the volleyball team and Jeffrey played varsity football. “We were high school sweethearts, Marie said.
“Everyday was new and exciting.” The couple dated throughout high school, deciding to split at the end of their freshmen year of college. Jeffrey added, “I always knew I was going to marry her, I just needed some time off in college and a year or two after to roll the dice and sew some oats.”

Years after college, during the summer of 2002,
both Marie and Jeff came back to Ronkonkoma to attend the tenth annual Tomato and Surf Festival. “I didn’t know he was going to be there and when I saw him, I just melted,” Marie said. They started dating that night and two years later they were married at the Sans Country Club, the same site of their senior prom. The first five years of their marriage went well. The couple moved back home to be closer to their
families. Marie started teaching and Jeffrey coached
football after work. “Then it all seemed to go to shit,”
Jeffrey added. The small cracks in their marriage kept
getting larger.

“I would teach kids all day long, only to come home to
another child - a giant one,” she said. “I felt like his mother which really sucked out the romance.” Six years into their marriage, Marie and Jeff were barely communicating. “Apparently, I have no communication skills,” said Jeff. “As far as I’m concerned, if something is bothering me, I’ll let you know, if
not, stop hassling me.” Months later the couple filed for divorce.

“Well, it’s usually the second or third marriage that
works anyway,” the divorcee’s mother added.

The couple filed under irreconcilable differences. Marie stated, “The causes for the divorce were a lack of communication, a lack of emotional commitment, a lack of maturity, a lack of support, a lack of work, a lack of free time due to football, a lack of culture, a lack of anything in common, a lack of ability to make positive changes and a lack of romance.” Jeffrey stated, “Things just didn’t work out.”

Marie will use her maiden name Lapinsky because she never felt, “comfortable or safe being called Stewart.”

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Navigating the Beach

People seem to be afraid of silence these days. Sweet, sweet silence. Noise pollution has reached an epic level. I went to Newport Beach over the weekend to seek out quiet on the sandy shores. I forgot the beach came with beachgoers. Beachgoers that are afraid of silence. To navigate the beach for some r & r, you’re going to have to look for these red flags.

-Stay away from people that are putting up some sort of tent. A tent is a huge red flag. It means that they are planning to stay the entire day. A day filled with catching up on current events and old times. Meaning, talking. Even if there are only two people, a tent means they’re probably expecting more and when I say more I mean children.

-Stay away from children. I love children but not at the beach. Their general unbridled enthusiasm for the water and sand is adorable, but along with it comes screaming. Screaming at the water temperature, screaming at the sand, screaming at sunscreen, screaming at sand castles, screaming at the ladies sitting behind them.

-Stay away from ladies. A gaggle of ladies means talking at loud volumes about useless shit. I know this because I’ve been in these gaggles. When it’s your friends, it’s interesting and funny, when it’s strangers’ conversations, it’s annoying, senseless and they sound like teenagers.

-Stay away from teenagers. Their awkward behavior, insane volume and inappropriate beach attire makes any relaxation impossible. You start questioning, “Did I behave like that? Did I wear that? Did I ever have that much confidence?” Inevitably, you’ll get sucked into their drama and start thinking which ones make cute couples.

-Stay away from couples. Especially ones that flaunt their buff bodies and fresh summer back tattoos. They don’t keep their hands off each other which makes you question your relationship and/or lack of a relationship. Suddenly the nice couple turns into this SPF 2 Panama Jack oil using, cheesy tramp stamped alcoholics, drinking shitty canned beer from their cooler.

-Stay away from coolers. Especially large coolers. It comes with constant talking about food and drink and what’s wheat free and what’s gluten free and is that the same thing and saran wrap is better than reynolds wrap and the constant up and down for snacks and pickles are high in sodium and hamburgers are riskier than ever and mine has no mayo and what they forgot and what goes well with sandwiches and STOP TALKING.

Basically the key to a successful beach day is to stay away from everyone. I’m prepared to walk to the entire length of the beach to set up my chair, umbrella, beach sheet, beach blanket and excessive reading materials. After hours of reading in sweet, sweet silence I feel refreshed and ready to grab my phone and call everyone I know and make plans for the night! I hate being alone.

Friday, February 05, 2010

Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Wait

We have to start somewhere, of course. The initial steps taken to repeal Don't Ask, Don't Tell is long overdue and certainly good news for the gays. We need at least one victory a year to keep the positive energy flowing. The issue that's troublesome is the vague timeline they have set up. There is going to be a "year long study" as well as a "year long transition". I can perhaps get my head around the word study, but transition? That made me laugh out loud. But not roll around the floor laughing. Just like a gasp laugh or what the hell are you talking about laugh or is this for real type of laugh. I suppose it's best not to tell everyone your gay immediately after the repeal, but to slowly, gingerly, cautiously come out in more of transitional type of way. I've composed a month to month, year long transition of what gay male soldiers can say to their straight brothers and sisters in arms.


January: I'm having a lot of restless nights.

February: I feel like Sgt Sean Reynolds is a really good dancer.

March: I would say I'm QUESTIONING, everything.

April: Did you see Lady Gaga and Elton John at the Grammy's? Electric!

May: I'm really uncomfortable in same sex platoons.

June: I'm bisexual.

July: The desert sky is beautiful at night.

August: I didn't enjoy The Hurt Locker, but I loved A Single Man.

September: Women are like land mines, I try to avoid them.

October: Sometimes, instead of charging towards enemy lines, I want to skip towards them.

November: Ah, the holidays are approaching! I psyched to decorate our bunk.

December: I'm gay!

Friday, January 22, 2010

Happy 2010!

Hello there friends, family, and my cat Peanut. My website is currently being revamped, accessorized and rejuvenated. Much like it's owner. Please stay tuned for updated shows, picks of the week, funny blogs and new videos I'm currently working on. It's going to be a great year. I hope. I mean, that's what I always say. This is the year, right? Right! Which means, this is the year that, that...that things come together. Meaning, meaning...more egg and cheese sandwiches. And peace on Earth, and now the moon since they found a large hole in which they might be able to sustain a colony. But that's another story.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Starbucks Via Road Trip

Hello fun people! I’m on a two week cross country road trip shooting comedic webisodes for Starbucks. I’m travelling in a Starbucks Via Hybrid SUV going from city to city, small town to small town, spreading comedic coffee goodness. The webisodes will be uploaded every other day from the road! Follow me at www.youtube.com/starbucks.

The official press release:

Starbucks VIA™ Ready Brew Road Trip brings VIA to the People
On September 15, Starbucks kicked off a two-week, coast-to-coast Starbucks VIA™ Road Trip. The Road Crew will connect with coffee lovers in two countries and 12 states and preview Starbucks VIA™ Ready Brew prior to nationwide launches in the U.S. and Canada on September 29. The Road Crew is made up of comedian and actress, Erin Foley and Starbucks social media guru, Brad Nelson. Their journey will include stops at various locations across the U.S. and Canada, including Vancouver, Denver, Chicago, Boston and New York City. They are accompanied by a documentary film crew that will capture the experience on the road, serving up webisodes at www.youtube.com/starbucks.

Monday, September 07, 2009

basketball rant

The NBA draft took place a couple of months ago and boy the excitement was palpable. Players in expensive suits held up their new team jerseys to a crowd of drunken men wearing the same team jerseys. The difference being, the players get paid millions of dollars to shoot a ball through a hoop while their drunken fans get paid 40,000 to sell farm equipment and/or something else they hate to do. I love watching the draft because they really try to make it exciting when essentially, it’s not. Give or take a player or two, we know who is going where. It’s all about the coverage of the team’s “war room” and the “fans’ reactions”. I love when the camera goes inside the war room and you see all the execs sweating it out, scribbling furiously on their lists and going over the players’ stats. It’s so dramatic and ridiculous. They look like they’re planning an exit strategy for Iraq. Then, after the player is chosen, the camera pans the crowd for the crazed fan reactions. (Impression of screaming fan) “OH MY GOD, WE GOT HIM, WE GOT HIM, NOW I’LL BE ABLE TO TOLERATE MY WIFE!” Hands down, the best part is when a foreign player is announced and nobody knows who they are. “And with their pick, the Oklahoma City Thunder chooses Rodrigue Beaubois”. (Impression of the crowd) “Uh…who the fuck is that?”

The winner of the draft was Blake Griffin who was chosen as the number one pick by the Los Angeles Clippers. The loser of the draft was also Blake Griffin because he has to play for the Angeles Clippers. In my opinion, I wouldn’t want to be number one because you wind up playing for the crappiest team. Take Griffin for example. The guy averages 19 points and 12 rebounds per game, has an amazing work ethic and knowledge of the game, and basically put Oklahoma on his shoulders, leading them to the elite 8. And for all of this, he gets to play for the Clippers! You know, that other team that plays in the Staples Center when the Lakers are travelling. Here’s my new plan for the next crop of collegiate superstars entering next season’s NBA draft. Have an amazing season, be all you can be on and off the court until about February. Then, take it down a notch. Start missing some free throws, toss some wild passes, hit your head on the rim repeatedly while attempting alley-oops, maybe one game you score 44 points, the next night you go for 8. Continue this style of play through March Madness. All these changes to your game will create comments like “end of season slump, he’s gotten a bit sloppy as of late, there seems to be a problem with his consistency, can he produce under pressure.” I would even suggest you shove a couple of players, unnecessarily, so people question your temperament. Consequently, your stock falls from number one to about four or five. Is this a bad thing? Hell No! It’s fantastic because now you go from the Clippers to a team like the Knicks or the Timberwolves. Yeah, the Knicks suck, but you get to play in the Garden and be King of New York. And the T-wolves are young; they’re rebuilding, and headed in the right direction. As opposed to the Clippers whose backcourt looks like they were raised in a Shire. They have really short guards, hobbit-like. Besides, you’d be a Timberwolf! How manly is that! I don’t even know what it is exactly, but it’s got Timber and Wolf in it, which is a double dose of masculinity. The Clippers? A person or thing that clips or cuts? Like hair clippers or hedge clippers? Or best case scenario, a fancy sailboat. I’d go with the wolf and a chance at winning before Sasha Obama runs for office.

rants, blogs, thoughts

Hey fans of my jokes and ramblings. I'm going to start posting more rants and all that jazz (hands) on a more timely basis. Also, I'm creating a new website soon. And by me, I mean I'm hiring someone that has skills. Either look to the right or scroll down to watch a segment from my comedy central special which is airing right now at random times. High Five.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

NEW, NOW, NEXT AWARDS!!

Hello comedy fans. I was nominated for the New Now Next Award's "Brink of Fame Comic" on the LOGO channel. If you get a second, click on the link below and vote for me! Seriously, this vote is extremely important...it will literally pull the economy out of recession. It's your civic duty and I'll buy everyone a drink. Happy Spring/Summer.

Click here to vote or use the widget in the right panel!

Thanks, as always, for your support.