basketball rant

The NBA draft took place a couple of months ago and boy the excitement was palpable. Players in expensive suits held up their new team jerseys to a crowd of drunken men wearing the same team jerseys. The difference being, the players get paid millions of dollars to shoot a ball through a hoop while their drunken fans get paid 40,000 to sell farm equipment and/or something else they hate to do. I love watching the draft because they really try to make it exciting when essentially, it’s not. Give or take a player or two, we know who is going where. It’s all about the coverage of the team’s “war room” and the “fans’ reactions”. I love when the camera goes inside the war room and you see all the execs sweating it out, scribbling furiously on their lists and going over the players’ stats. It’s so dramatic and ridiculous. They look like they’re planning an exit strategy for Iraq. Then, after the player is chosen, the camera pans the crowd for the crazed fan reactions. (Impression of screaming fan) “OH MY GOD, WE GOT HIM, WE GOT HIM, NOW I’LL BE ABLE TO TOLERATE MY WIFE!” Hands down, the best part is when a foreign player is announced and nobody knows who they are. “And with their pick, the Oklahoma City Thunder chooses Rodrigue Beaubois”. (Impression of the crowd) “Uh…who the fuck is that?”

The winner of the draft was Blake Griffin who was chosen as the number one pick by the Los Angeles Clippers. The loser of the draft was also Blake Griffin because he has to play for the Angeles Clippers. In my opinion, I wouldn’t want to be number one because you wind up playing for the crappiest team. Take Griffin for example. The guy averages 19 points and 12 rebounds per game, has an amazing work ethic and knowledge of the game, and basically put Oklahoma on his shoulders, leading them to the elite 8. And for all of this, he gets to play for the Clippers! You know, that other team that plays in the Staples Center when the Lakers are travelling. Here’s my new plan for the next crop of collegiate superstars entering next season’s NBA draft. Have an amazing season, be all you can be on and off the court until about February. Then, take it down a notch. Start missing some free throws, toss some wild passes, hit your head on the rim repeatedly while attempting alley-oops, maybe one game you score 44 points, the next night you go for 8. Continue this style of play through March Madness. All these changes to your game will create comments like “end of season slump, he’s gotten a bit sloppy as of late, there seems to be a problem with his consistency, can he produce under pressure.” I would even suggest you shove a couple of players, unnecessarily, so people question your temperament. Consequently, your stock falls from number one to about four or five. Is this a bad thing? Hell No! It’s fantastic because now you go from the Clippers to a team like the Knicks or the Timberwolves. Yeah, the Knicks suck, but you get to play in the Garden and be King of New York. And the T-wolves are young; they’re rebuilding, and headed in the right direction. As opposed to the Clippers whose backcourt looks like they were raised in a Shire. They have really short guards, hobbit-like. Besides, you’d be a Timberwolf! How manly is that! I don’t even know what it is exactly, but it’s got Timber and Wolf in it, which is a double dose of masculinity. The Clippers? A person or thing that clips or cuts? Like hair clippers or hedge clippers? Or best case scenario, a fancy sailboat. I’d go with the wolf and a chance at winning before Sasha Obama runs for office.