Navigating the Beach

People seem to be afraid of silence these days. Sweet, sweet silence. Noise pollution has reached an epic level. I went to Newport Beach over the weekend to seek out quiet on the sandy shores. I forgot the beach came with beachgoers. Beachgoers that are afraid of silence. To navigate the beach for some r & r, you’re going to have to look for these red flags.

-Stay away from people that are putting up some sort of tent. A tent is a huge red flag. It means that they are planning to stay the entire day. A day filled with catching up on current events and old times. Meaning, talking. Even if there are only two people, a tent means they’re probably expecting more and when I say more I mean children.

-Stay away from children. I love children but not at the beach. Their general unbridled enthusiasm for the water and sand is adorable, but along with it comes screaming. Screaming at the water temperature, screaming at the sand, screaming at sunscreen, screaming at sand castles, screaming at the ladies sitting behind them.

-Stay away from ladies. A gaggle of ladies means talking at loud volumes about useless shit. I know this because I’ve been in these gaggles. When it’s your friends, it’s interesting and funny, when it’s strangers’ conversations, it’s annoying, senseless and they sound like teenagers.

-Stay away from teenagers. Their awkward behavior, insane volume and inappropriate beach attire makes any relaxation impossible. You start questioning, “Did I behave like that? Did I wear that? Did I ever have that much confidence?” Inevitably, you’ll get sucked into their drama and start thinking which ones make cute couples.

-Stay away from couples. Especially ones that flaunt their buff bodies and fresh summer back tattoos. They don’t keep their hands off each other which makes you question your relationship and/or lack of a relationship. Suddenly the nice couple turns into this SPF 2 Panama Jack oil using, cheesy tramp stamped alcoholics, drinking shitty canned beer from their cooler.

-Stay away from coolers. Especially large coolers. It comes with constant talking about food and drink and what’s wheat free and what’s gluten free and is that the same thing and saran wrap is better than reynolds wrap and the constant up and down for snacks and pickles are high in sodium and hamburgers are riskier than ever and mine has no mayo and what they forgot and what goes well with sandwiches and STOP TALKING.

Basically the key to a successful beach day is to stay away from everyone. I’m prepared to walk to the entire length of the beach to set up my chair, umbrella, beach sheet, beach blanket and excessive reading materials. After hours of reading in sweet, sweet silence I feel refreshed and ready to grab my phone and call everyone I know and make plans for the night! I hate being alone.