Hello world.I've been writing/blogging about sports for the Dinah Shore website.
Go to this link: www.thedinah.com. Here is my latest:
I reluctantly woke up on Monday morning and found this note in my inbox. “I’m sorry for your loss.” Yes, I’ve suffered a great loss. The New York Football Giants are out of the playoffs. The number one seed. Home-field advantage. Gone. Poof. Over. I’m not sure what team suited up against the Eagles, but it certainly was not my Giants. Perhaps they were collectively roofied the night before by crazed, unruly Eagles fans. Yeah, that’s got to be it. Perhaps our offensive coordinator suffered a concussion during warm-ups, becoming unable to think clearly when selecting the plays. This would explain the decision to run the ball, not once, but TWICE on fourth down. Perhaps he was subscribing to George Bush’s foreign policy; if it doesn’t work the first time, keep doing it until you fail miserably.
All week long, I tried everything to will my team to victory. I stretched out my hamstrings, kept myself hydrated, and visualized Jacobs pounding through the Eagles’ defensive line, time and time again. The night before, I drank a half bottle of red wine to calm my nerves and assembled my Giants gear. Giant’s baseball hat. Check. A blue t-shirt from the 8th grade that reads “Giants Rule” on the front and “Foley 56” on the back. Check. My light blue retro t-shirt. Check. My Giants sweatshirt that I received after ordering Sports Illustrated. Check. My Giants rally scarf that I wore when Buffalo Bill’s kicker Scott Norwood shanked the ball wide right. Check. My Giants blanket. Check. Blue converse sneakers and red underwear. Check. I was ready for action. I hurled myself out of bed on Sunday as if it were Christmas morning, screaming, “GO BIG BLUE!” Four hours later, I was rocking back and forth in the corner, drinking, crying and reading the Bell Jar. I guess it could have been worse. We could have lost to the Cowboys.
So what now my friends? How does one bounce back after their team gets booted from the playoffs? What, am I supposed to focus on my career? Try and make myself a better person? Work with children? Sing with a local church choir? Hell no! To all the fans whose teams aren’t playing anymore, I say, embrace your football bell jar! Go deep. Go crazy. Sprint down the spiraling staircase of hopelessness. Land on your head. Don’t bounce back. THROW IN THE TOWEL! Here are some suggestions.
1) Run through your local mall or the streets of your city screaming, “The Giants (your team name here) have lost! The Giants have lost! Save yourselves! There isn’t much time left!”
2) Go into work excessively late for weeks at a time. When asked about your tardiness, simply reply, “First of all, lower your voice. I have a massive football hangover. I was up all night going over the plays in my head. The turnovers, the lack of execution, the play calling. Nothing makes sense in this world anymore. I don’t know if I can make it to draft weekend.” Then start foaming at the mouth. Trust me, I’ve done it before, nobody will bother you again.
3)Have a baby. Adopt a baby. Just get a baby. Anyone’s baby. Babies are great distractions. They need constant attention which will take your mind off your team. Then simply return the baby when pre-season starts, because, HELLO, you need to focus!
4) And most importantly, keep drinking. Gin with your cornflakes, bud light with your sandwiches, wine with your dinner. Lower the Bar. Take a couple of months off. You have in fact, suffered a great loss. I’m not saying that you should neglect your loved ones, but who are we kidding? There’s nothing more important than football season, and mine is over. On a positive note, good luck to the remaining teams (except for the Eagles and Ravens).
Bring on March Madness!