LOST

I’ve been watching the television show LOST since the first episode. Although I’m not on ABC’s website everyday looking for clues, I would consider myself a huge fan. Every week the survivors have to endure attacks from polar bears, a group of miscreants called “the others” whose special skills include kidnapping and pillaging and of course the continued search for food, water, shelter and island romance. To my delight, I have stumbled upon a few “lost” scenes from LOST. I located them inside my head between the hours of 1am and 5am the night before Thanksgiving. (note: the script is a notch below Final Draft format. It’s Pending Draft format).

Kate, Hurley and Locke walk through the jungle on their way back to camp.

Hurley: Can we take a time-out guys? I’m exhausted. (Eats an Apollo Twinkie)

Kate: I could really use a drink.

Hurley: A couple of cold 40 ouncers would hit the spot.

Kate: A margarita…frozen, salt.

Locke: Jack and Coke. Lots of ice. (laughs) You know it isn’t that far fetched.

Hurley: Dude, what are you talking about?

Kate: You got a blender in that bag?

Locke: Even better. (Opens bag and dry ice spills out from a container filled with a clear liquid) Tequila anyone?

Kate/Hurley: What?

Locke: I found blue agave plants two miles east of the caves.

Hurley: But how…

Locke: A simple process called distillation. I cut down the plants to get the cores, or pinas, and roasted them in the campfire for two days. Then I squeezed the juice out and added yeast.

Kate: You made yeast?

Locke: No, I found that in the hatch. The mixture ferments for about 30-48 hours and then you have tequila-or this island’s version of tequila.

Hurley: Holy shit balls dude! How do you know these things? I thought you sold paper products.

Locke: I spent some time in Mexico.

FLASHBACK: Mexico. Locke has a full head of hair, beard, and monocle. He harvests agave plants while speaking Spanish with other workers.

Worker: Odio estas plantas! (I hate these plants)
Locke: Se a mi amigo. (I know my friend)

A whistle blows in the background. It’s a prison guard.
Guard: Pare trabajar! Vuelva en sus celulas de la prison.
(Stop working! Return to your prison cells)

Locke and his fellow inmates head back inside. (Insert macabre music)

PRESENT DAY:

Kate: I have oranges and pomegranates in my bag-

Hurley: Tequila Sunrise!

Locke: Sounds perfect.

CUT TO:

Libby, Mr. Eko, Bernard and Ana-Lucia sit on a log, drinking water from a nearby babbling brook.

Bernard (looking around): Except for the fact that we’re stranded, being hunted by merciless savages and that my African-American wife of 30 years is most likely dead; this is a very picturesque spot.

They all nod in agreement.

Libby: Does the word srehtoeht mean anything to anyone?

Ana-Lucia: What did you say?

Libby: srehtoeht.

Mr. Eko: No. Nothing to me.

Ana-Lucia: What does it mean?

Libby: It’s “the others” spelled backwards. I think it’s the sound we hear coming from the jungle. (whispering) srehtoeht…srehtoeht…

Ana-Lucia: That’s so fucking stupid! You’re an idiot!
(Director’s note: all of Ana-Lucia’s lines must be delivered as if she has immense constipation)

Mr. Eko: Ana, c’mon. Please-

Libby: I’m just trying to analyze the situation…make some sense of what’s been happening to us. That’s what I do-

FLASHBACK: Libby counsels a female patient in her office.

Patient: I just can’t take it anymore!
Libby: It’s really not that bad. When life hands you a bowl of limes, you have to make lemonade and/or vitamin water.
Patient: That doesn’t even make sense!

The woman gets up and jumps out of a big open window, plunging to her death.

Libby: Not again!

PRESENT DAY:

Ana-Lucia: Save the psychobabble doc. I’ll tell you what’s happening. A bunch of nasty ass cannibals are out to get us so we need to keep moving!

Bernard: I think we should head back to the beach. That way if they come for us, we can hide in the water.

Ana-Lucia: That’s so fucking stupid! You’re an idiot!

Mr. Eko: Ana, c’mon. Please-

Bernard: I’m just trying to-

Ana-Lucia: We need to stick to the plan douche bags. Now let’s go!

Just then, we hear horrific loud noises coming from the jungle. Branches snapping, trees collapsing. They hide behind a thick bush.

CUT TO:

Kate, Hurley and Locke are completely wasted. Hurley eats a Dharma Ding Dong.

Hurley: How about the one where William Macy plays a retarded guy who becomes a successful door-to-door salesman?

Locke: I think that was a TV movie.

Kate: (slurring) There’ll always be ones that tug at your heartstrings. You know, stories about retarded people and Tourette’s syndrome-blah blah blah. But hands down, the greatest mini-series of all time is The Thorn Birds.

Hurley: Ahh…when the younger brother is attacked by a wild boar-

Locke: Or the scene when Cardinal de Bricassart and Meggie finally meet at the beach house?

Kate: That was amazing!

As they pause in reflection, Jack and Sayid join them.

Jack: Hey guys, what’s going on?

Hurley: Locke took a guava tree and made Tequila!

Locke: It’s a blue agave plant. No big deal. Just a late afternoon cocktail.

Kate: (pours drinks) Here you go boys.

Jack: I am off duty.

Sayid: No thank you. I am from Iraq. And I don’t drink alcohol.

Kate: Why not?

Sayid: I am a Muslim. In my religion, alcohol is forbidden.

Kate: That totally sucks.

Sayid: Not at all. One must stay pure in order to be closer to Allah.

Kate: Really? I’m just the opposite. It’s only when I’m hammered that I contemplate the existence of a god. Red wine is usually the catalyst. But then I wake up with a nasty hangover, crumbs from my grilled cheese sandwich stuck on my shirt. I’m depressed, unemployed and I think; this is a god-less world.

Sayid: That’s very sad.

Jack: (takes her drink) I think you’re done.

Hurley: Do you think God and Allah are enemies? Or is there one super deity they all work for? Like, God handles the Christians, Allah looks over the Muslims-

Locke: Buddha handles the Buddhists.

Jack: When did you guys start drinking?

CUT TO:

Ana-Lucia, Libby, Mr. Eko and Bernard hide behind a thick bush. The sounds from the jungle grow louder.

Libby: They’re coming right towards us!

Ana-Lucia: Stop talking!

Mr. Eko: It doesn’t sound human.

An enormous snake appears from out of the jungle. Lifting its gigantic head with red glowing eyes, it stops right in front of them.

Mr. Eko: (grabs his stick) I’ll get it.

Ana-Lucia: No! I can handle this.

Libby: You’re crazy!

Ana-Lucia: Maybe I am.

Ana-Lucia comes out from the bush, makes eye contact with the world’s largest snake and begins “speaking” to it. The exchange of “words” is incomprehensible to the rest of the group. After some time, the snake thunderously slithers back into the jungle.

Mr. Eko: What the…?

Ana-Lucia: I speak parsletongue.

Libby: You can talk to snakes?

Ana-Lucia: Yes, since I was a young girl. It just came naturally.

Bernard: But that only happens in-

Ana-Lucia: Harry Potter books. Trust me, it happens in real life too. I’m no wizard and our enemy isn’t Voldemort.

Everyone shudders at the sound of his name.

Mr. Eko: What did the snake say?

Ana-Lucia: It told me to stay on course. We’ll eventually come across other survivors from the crash. People that can help us.

Mr. Eko: Anything else?

Ana-Lucia: Oh yeah- apparently the White Sox won the World Series.

Bernard: (excited) YES! I picked them in my office pool.

Ana-Lucia: Let’s head out.

CUT TO:

Kate: Enough of the religion mumbo jumbo. Let’s play a drinking game.

Locke: Excellent idea. How about Truth or Dare?

Hurley: I’ll start. Kate-truth or dare?

Kate: Truth.

Hurley: Who would hook up with on the island?

Jack becomes visibly uncomfortable.

Kate: Wow. Umm. Well if you said “date”, I would go with Jack. He’s brilliant, caring, and handsome. He would be the best partner. However, you said, “hook up”, so I’m picking Sawyer. (really loud) He’s so fucking hot it’s ridiculous. The long hair, his body, even his arrogance is a complete turn on. Most of the time, I’m not even listening when he’s talking to me. I’m just thinking about ripping his clothes off-

Long awkward pause. Everyone is extremely uncomfortable.

Kate: Perhaps I should have chosen dare.