Friday, June 10, 2005

Behind the Comedy: Waiting for a Check

For the last three weeks, I’ve been waiting for a paycheck. It’s going to appear in my mailbox any day now. At any point in time. I rent a PO BOX at a post office five blocks from my apartment. Everything in my life is rented. Usually I check my box a couple of times a week. Now I go everyday. Yesterday I went twice. I already went today. I might go again in a couple of hours. I’m obsessed. I think people are watching me at the post office. ‘Why does she keep checking her box? What is she waiting for? Heroin? No, she looks too catholic to use drugs. A package of some sort? Maybe she works with crafts and desperately needs her supplies. Perhaps a pottery wheel or shipment of smocks.’

I arrive at the post office in good spirits. Today is the day. I will get my check, pay my rent and buy, buy, buy. I mean save, save, save. I don’t know anyone in this city who has a savings account. Maybe people who live above 23rd street. The other day I found myself uttering the phrase “I’m cash poor.” Basically, that means you’re poor. I aggressively open my mailbox. There is an envelope. I rip it out and read the return address, “City Harvest”. Give money to City Harvest! I need City Harvest to come to MY apartment. I’m starving! Once again, I leave the post office disenchanted. The “J” word looms above my head.

I need to get a job. I cannot get a job. Don’t make me get a job. The word RESUME makes me nauseous. It leads to other words like “spearheaded” and “ assisted” and “kill me”. My credit card bought my metro card. I wish I could charge an egg sandwich on my metro card. I’m not sure who or what is going to pay for my credit card. In a couple of days, I’ll be forced to take my coins to Penny Arcade at Commerce Bank. Penny is the cute little blonde girl on the side of the coin counting machine. Or is she? If you look close, Penny is somewhat disturbing. She waves at you with FOUR gangly, enormous fingers and a protruding, dislocated elbow. Commerce Bank should start charging a fee for counting the coins so Penny can get reconstructive surgery. Is there a limb makeover show?

Send me the check.

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